In this I’m Certain

It is not only the uncertainty of tomorrow that scares us but also the haunting of the past. Not only does it make you remember the why, but it also makes you rekindle the how. 

I am at a point in my life where I cannot care less about tomorrow because I would like to depend on God’s plans for me. Little did I know that it is not the uncertainty of the future that worries me but the haunting of my past. I couldn’t divulge much on the details yet because we are still praying about it; however, I have been battling on this since we knew. 

Have you ever received the fantastic news that gives you peak happiness, only to cry and worry about it in silence? My past has not been great and admirable, and I thought I had already forgiven myself for it, but the way it now has brought me to my knees has brought me to my knees; maybe I was wrong. It has been weeks—a little over a month—that it has allowed me to break and sometimes give myself a good cry in the shower.

In one of my quiet times, the LORD reminded me to persevere in revealing my heart and character. If I am to enter a new phase in my life, I must be pure in it. How Am I in times of uncertainty?

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation. For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. — Romans 5:3-10 NLT

It dawned on me that not knowing what tomorrow brings is much better than knowing what’s coming. If you don’t know what will happen tomorrow, it will keep you on your toes, and you will expect nothing less than what you already know. Somehow, a loss is not a “loss” but a “miss.” In contrast, knowing what you will have, something that deep inside your heart desires to have and has been praying for years already fails, despite the knowledge, that loss is not a “loss” but a “mistake.”

I am a highly observant person when it comes to my body, and with the help of the Internet, I could ask anything and find answers I would “want” to read. Just yesterday, I admitted that I must stop WebMD-ing myself. Not that I don’t get answers, but knowing it does me no good. Knowledge is power. Gaining knowledge is one thing, but lack of wisdom is another. Again, the LORD’s reminder of dependency on Him is resounding. Seeking higher knowledge is only at my limit, while my wisdom is lacking and not aligning with His Will. 

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. — Matthew 6:33-34 NLT

I am a worrier but now reminded that I am God’s warrior. I have finally made amends for myself, knowing the trigger points of my anxiety. One, I haven’t 100% forgiven myself and what I did in the past. Two, I haven’t been accountable for my anxieties, and I’m self-inflicting unnecessary stress by playing Doctor House, specializing in Google. And three, I am NOT depending and surrendering to the LORD’s will. I say I am, but truth be told, I am not. Knowledge is power, and so is control. I am stressing over the need and urge for control, wanting to make things right for the future, but I am not supposed to do any of these. 

Now that I have dealt with knowing my pain points, we move on to my prayer points. May you, dear readers, include me in your prayers to no longer seek knowledge and wisdom far ahead and above the Lord’s. May I be reminded that no matter what happens and how I want to handle things in my life, it will always be the Lord’s Will that will prevail. May I not forget that I am not a citizen of the world, but of God, and whatever I have comes from Him and must be used for His Glory. I will remember that this specific season of my life certainly made me more prayerful. 

But people who aren’t spiritual can’t receive these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can’t understand it, for only those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means. — 1 Corinthians 2:13 NLT